The thing about having BPD is that I come riddled with a set of core beliefs, for example:
- I am unlovable
- I am forgettable; there is nothing good enough about me to deserve being remembered
- Other girls are nicer/kinder/prettier/smarter than me
- Nobody would be able to stand living with me
- Everyone who claims they love me will leave eventually
These are assumptions which require the Boyfriend to disprove them regularly. Because my default mindset is that he does not love me or want me, every misstep he makes only confirms that set of beliefs. Because my default mindset is that he does not love me or want me, I’m constantly in panic mode until he proves otherwise to me.
And the strange thing is that I’m split 50-50. Part of me wants him to disprove it because, I mean, who wants to be unlovable and forgettable?
Yet there’s another part of me that constantly tests him with a half-hope that he’ll cave and confess that I’m the scum of the earth and he can’t wait to be done with me so I can say, “I told you so!” Not because I really want to ‘win’ or be proven right, but… I don’t know. Maybe it’s a form of control.
But I think it’s simply that despite how much I want him to disprove these sentiments, they don’t gel with my worldview. It’s as if someone told me that the sea was the color of tomatoes. It just doesn’t sit well inside of me, as if my mind cannot quite digest it, and it gets thrown out.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to believe that I’m capable of being loved. I want to. But I just… can’t. It doesn’t feel remotely plausible. And so whatever assurances the Boyfriend offers me are as wisp-thin as cotton candy — sweet on the tongue, yet gone in the blink of an eye.
Of course, the irony is that the more I keep up at it, the more unlovable I become. Logically, I know that. (How many times have I said this sentence in this blog alone?) Yet my distortions keep pressing on and on.
…Well, I suppose this is why it’s a disorder and not just a tiny flaw.