I think I have finally, finally begun to realize: you can’t expect people to save you or make you happy. You really can’t. Having a taste of what it feels like to be on the other side, it’s honest to God exhausting feeling responsible for someone’s emotions. I’m human! I’m going to disappoint you eventually, I’m sorry! I won’t do it on purpose to hurt you; I’ll just be so caught up in something in my own life that I might neglect yours, and it won’t be because I hate you or I’m out to get you or I don’t give a damn about you! Shit just happens. I have my own life to live, and I have things I want to do without having to constantly be. on. the. ball. And just because I have other things I want to do and other people I want to spend time with doesn’t mean I don’t care about you! I just happen to have more interests and more people I care about!
Having all of these thoughts made me register how unfair it is for me to hang all of these hopes and dreams on the Boyfriend. Jeez. He’s a human being with a ton of his own problems to deal with, and there I am going “nooo but I need you to make me happy!”
I don’t actually, physically need him. I’m addicted to him, I’m scared and upset and panicked without him… but that isn’t his fault. I don’t derive as much joy and ecstasy from doing other things and hanging out with other people as I do from spending time with him… but that isn’t his fault either. I am not ~better~ because I am more desperate to be with him. I do not love him more than he loves me because I am more desperate to be with him. All that means is… I am less interested in other things. He happens to be interested in many things, and one of these things happens to me. That doesn’t detract from the fact that he’s interested in me. That doesn’t mean he is a bad person, or that he loves me less. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with how I perceive it.
And, okay, I’m allowed and justified to be sad and upset if he’s doing something without me. That’s fair. I’m allowed to be unhappy with the situation. But I don’t think it’s fair of me to be mad at him.
Ahhh, I hope this epiphany lasts.