Checking in

I’ve stayed away from the BPD community for a while, for reasons I can’t really seem to put properly into words. r/BPD and r/BPDlovedones used to be the first subs I checked on reddit, but as I progress forward into recovery, opening those subs and seeing the wave of pain and frustration and anger in the post titles just makes me feel so incredibly exhausted.

The Boyfriend and therapist have also been wary of me frequenting the subs, particularly because I tend to view everything posted there as The Absolute Truth and start having crises about myself.

Still, the one-year anniversary of my diagnosis blinked past in August, so I thought it might be a good idea to check in.

On medication

Medication is a controversial subject. Some people swear by it, others completely swear off it, and I don’t think I can speak for everyone. But I genuinely feel that getting on antidepressants was a major, major turning point for me and my BPD.

Since getting on medication, I’ve found myself more stable as a whole. I get triggered less, and am just generally more… peaceful and amenable? Even when I do get triggered I’m a lot calmer and I also return back to baseline quicker. I’ve also been owning up to my mistakes and apologizing a lot… although half of that is genuine remorse and the other half is probably a manifestation of my fear of abandonment pressuring me to “be nice and obedient” so I won’t get chucked away.

Side effects: Prozac gave me really weird and vivid dreams that felt way too real. Most of the dreams involved getting abandoned/cheated on by the Boyfriend, so that sucked. After I discussed this with my psychiatrist I’ve made a switch to Zoloft — which still gives me some occasional strange dreams, but they don’t feel as realistic so I guess there’s that. Another drawback is that I always wake up feeling like I’ve been clobbered over the head. Oh, and I get insomnia if I drink caffeinated tea at night. That’s all, though, so in my opinion it’s still totally worth it.

Note: I don’t know how much of it is a placebo effect, though. I get anxious, paranoid and restless if I realise I’ve missed a day — there’s a part of me that thinks skipping a dose will, at the snap of a finger, make me revert back to being temperamental and snappy.

General relationship issues?

The Boyfriend has gotten a lot busier this half a year, taking on extra classes and responsibilities, and I’m happy to say I’ve largely been dealing okay with that. Not super pleased, and I do occasionally feel bouts of unhappiness when I think about the fact that at least half of the time I spend with him is just co-existing in a room together, with me on my laptop while he does his work. And how we haven’t had a proper date (apart from random dinner and move trips).

More importantly, the Boyfriend is going for a semester abroad next year. Argh. I cried when he told me of his decision, but *ding ding ding* I didn’t ask him not to go or beg him to stay or make any threats whatsoever!!! I can’t explain it, but I just kind of radically accepted that he’d made his choice and there was nothing I could do about that. Okay, maybe not exactly radical acceptance — just this deep sense of resignation that made me go, “Okay, so this is happening, now it’s time to figure out how to deal with the aftermath.”

Will probably line up a lot more activities for myself next year, and 1-2 trips over to visit him. Still, even with the trips, it’s at least 3-4 months apart.

Depending on the day, I sometimes feel like I’m going to be fine. Other times I feel like this separation will be the death of me.

I suppose only time will tell.

Sense of self

I’ve gotten more integrated into the local poetry scene (yay!) which means some sense of artistic… centering. I’ve also been looking at graduate schools for Creative Writing, which is doing good in making me look forward to the blurry future ahead of me.

Overall, I am honestly happy to see the improvements I’ve made. It really, really does get better, guys!