Manipulation

Wow, I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t had a proper therapy session in 3 months, which has honestly been affecting me a lot more than I expected. Fingers crossed that things will get better once I settle down with the new therapist and her schedule evens out and I get to see her more often.

Quite honestly, I still feel like I’m going nowhere. Like this is all one huge maze and every time I turn a corner it’s a dead end and I wind up going back to where I started, all over again. It sucks, to be sure, but I think the Boyfriend has been having an awful time walking through the maze with me as well.

I’ve been unstable ever since he told me he was going to India with his friends for ten days (although after more careful counting I’ve noticed it’s actually twelve). Twelve days is a long time. I’m more terrified than I’ve let on — and I’ve let on a lot, actually.

I even researched inpatient prices just in case I wanted to get myself checked in. But thank God I worked things out and managed to book tickets to Melbourne to visit a friend, which is where I’ll be when the Boyfriend’s away. Hopefully getting myself out of the country and finding new distractions will help.

The Boyfriend said kicking up a huge fuss about it and threatening to get myself checked in was manipulative and an attempt to guilt-trip him. Was it? I don’t know. It’s not like it was a threat — he’d already gotten his tickets all booked and ready. It’s not like threatening to check myself in was going to derail his plans.

First of all, I guess I honestly felt like I needed to look after myself in some way, and I wasn’t capable of doing that myself. Which is why, you know, hospital!

Second of all, I think one of my major problems with BPD has been not knowing how to adequately express how hurt I feel. When my inner landscape is collapsing and on fire, I don’t know how to communicate that to someone else. “Sad”, “scared” or “upset” is an extreme understatement to describe how I feel. And so I resort to acting out in an effort to say, “See, see, this is how AWFUL I feel, PLEASE HELP ME.”

The Boyfriend conceded that he didn’t think I was being manipulative on purpose, but still, that it achieved the same effect.

I guess he’s right. But acknowledging that he’s right makes me feel like an awful person who deserves to be punished. I know I have to find the middle line; I have to learn to acknowledge that “yes, I did something that was not very appropriate, but that does not mean I am a Bad Person.” But I honestly don’t see that happening anytime soon.

I don’t really know what this update is about. I guess I’m just trying to say I’m still really, really lost. But I suppose we all are, in some way.

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